A Higher Love

Creating a new Level of Love- consciously.

I decided to expand on the previous post about Mutual love- because there are so many aspects to relationships. This is the expanded version. - And by all means not complete.

If you have found this randomly- then you are meant to read it and are at a point that it is the right  time for this to be revealed and Understood.  

As always, I trust that the loving force of the Universe brings the right people to this page, to read and get something they need from it. Trust and let the circumstances unfold.

This year, I want to change what has been My experience with relationships.  I want to relate to all people an a different and  higher level, of love, trust and joy that comes from being authentically me.

To do this I must be Honest.  More than I have been. 

This is scary,.. it means being real. It means being vulnerable.  Its been a long time since I have trusted enough to feel safe enough to be really vulnerable.

In the case of being open to a new level of intimacy and love relationship, I must be willing to allow freedom of choice to be a part of the equation. Why?

 In a mutual relationship, when the choice is made to be with someone- a peace settles into the heart of each, and the exploration and discover on deeper levels begins to unfold as they two begin to evolve and know each other on many intimate levels. Why is this? Because the commitment is set by the choosing to be a part of a connection with someone- and nurture that connection.

Through my Observations, I have noticed that For some people, it is not love- but a goal to reach, or a trophy to obtain, or a way to appear to belong or be a part of something socially acceptable. For others it is the hunt or conquest that they are after- and then the trophy.

Yet, it seems so superficial to me,… and I have to wonder, is the true experience of love is lost on them?

I  have seen and heard of people that  manipulate, lie and deceive to get the relationship with a specific person.  Some even go as far as to plan a series of events to have the subject’s current relationship fall apart under false pretenses, so that they can move in to take the place of the partner.

 Don’t they realize that they are setting up the relationship to be DOOMED from the beginning?

Even if that person is already in a relationship that you see will not end well- let them come to the decision on their own, otherwise they will go back to the first relationship, or simply resent you from that moment forward.

 Anything born of control, deceit, manipulation, insecurity and desperation is only going to breed more of the same.

One such example is a bone of contention with me. It is when women or family pressure a man to commit to marriage before he may be ready for it.  

Why is this a problem?  Simple.  It is because you will always wonder if he is thinking of leaving. Deep down your know there was deceit, and you will always wonder how long you can keep the illusion going with the subject in question.

   When that person - in this case the person that has not made the decision or move-  comes to the decision on their own- that you are the one they want  to spend the rest of his life with, you will know they mean it.  If you did manipulate or push- or even give an ultimatum,.. your mind will never rest- and your insecurities will surface at every insignificant gesture- wondering if he/she does not love  you any more.  It was purely their desire and Love that directed them to take the decision.

This is super significant. Their Choice to be with you, will create a sense of peace and confidence in your heart. If you pushed for the result you wanted- you will always be wondering if your partner is going to get sick of the situation and leave.

 If you did manipulate or push- or even give an ultimatum,.. your mind will never rest- and your insecurities will surface at every insignificant gesture- wondering if he/she does not love  you anymore.

I have seen others manipulate or pressure the situation to get to the point in the relationship they really want-without finding out whether their partner is ready for the next step or not.

The relationship is about the two people involved- Not just the wishes or desires of one. Again, a one sided relationship will not have a strong foundation.

**A side note here:  there are some relationships in which it appears one sided because one partner always concedes to the other- however; in some cases, the person conceding knows with all their heart that their partner already takes their wishes, desires and best interests into consideration from the start. Although it may appear One-sided, there is actually a mutual trust, love and respect present. **

There is a quote that says-

"when you love something- set it free. If it comes back to you it is yours, if it does not it never was."

You must give a person the freedom to choose. Their mutual choice will create more of a sense of satisfaction than anything you ever knew.

 Love is an amazing state to be in.  Being in that state with someone else is divine connection. Love is the mutual and natural flow of respect, admiration, tenderness, intimacy, communication, understanding- just to name a few.  It is something that most people strive to be a part of.

Seriously,  How aware are we of the fact that we are dealing with other individuals?  How many of us actually take the time to really see the individual before us and really appreciate them for their uniqueness?

To some degree, I believe some people got so caught  up in the act of getting it- or a prized person, that they forgot about what love is actually about... it is a state of being- not having.

 If we try to make it conform to our comfort levels- we complete diminish the true experience of Love.

We cheapen and lessen what the real experience is all about.

Love is about Connection

Why? The connection is important and you would not want to lose that. Connection is built on the foundation of love, respect, and communication, some sacrifice, and effort building the relationship together. Having communication with someone where putting and discussing each one's expectations and mutual ideas about how they want to relate to one another- ensures that Each relationship built would be unique- and a direct reflection of both people involved.  When each putting forth the effort and discussion that helps to mutually define  the terms of relating, that agreement and sharing of each other’s expectations, hopes dreams and preferences, are the mortar that helps to build a solid relationship.  The act of mutually communicating and defining the relationship is crucially important.

No person should ever be pushed or manipulated into something-Especially when it comes to love.  Why?  Because it is forced- and anything forced has tension surrounding it. Tension usually needs to be released.

It would have more Value if the person Came to the conclusion or choice on their own.  If someone does not feel the same way- it is a different relationship- It is not whole. Plus, there would always be the insecurity of the other person or ‘victim’ going against the Influence that took place. The insecurity and the tension would always be present.

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Allowing someone the space to come to the decision on their own takes patience, compassion and love. Yes,  patience. To allow someone to discover for themselves what you mean to them, brings about the sweetest blessing in the form of peace and confidence you have knowing that it came straight from their heart.

Of course, like anything, there are limits as to what you should accept- this is important for your own self worth and self respect.

However,  one word of caution. If the person is not making a move toward that discovery and has you in a perpetual or constant 'holding pattern',  then move on. You must have the self respect to know- that if after a reasonable amount of time they still do not see the amazing person you are, and want to be with you- you must let them go. Move on. They are on a personal agenda that does not consider your desires. They will not open their heart to you fully like you deserve.

I have known a person who was engaged for 10 years, and were dating for 6 years before that. Their partner was not willing to commit- instead was keeping her around for his benefit only- not hers. This was unacceptable.

As painful as it is to do, you must move on and leave behind the idea of mutual love with this person.  They do not want to commit and will always keep you at arms-length never allowing you to get close enough for a satisfying or loving connection. You deserve to be loved and have someone commit to you to develop and grow with you on a level of intimacy that includes the heart, the mind, soul and the body.

Stand up for yourself and face the pain and go through it. If you committed your heart to someone that did not commit to you, move on. Allow yourself to experience the pain of letting go of something you had invested in. You will develop a stronger self confidence if you stand up and show that you will not waste you time with someone who does not respect you, take you seriously and only wants to play games.

If you do not let go and move your heart on, they will continue to toy with you and your emotions, holding that power over you and controlling you.

Love them for the lesson they provided and release them, otherwise you will face a constant roller-coaster of emotions

Please note, when you leave, it they decide at that point to 'promise to commit', DO NOT believe it. It is only a ploy to keep you waiting. Take back your control and walk away. You gave them a chance, and they did not take it. Trust me on this.

So whether it is someone trying to force their own wants on another by manipulation to commitment, OR someone who refuses to fully commit to the relationship. That is when there are forces of manipulation at work.

Only one person is getting what they want, and not the other. It is the basis for an unhealthy relationship.

To get better understand, you will need to see WHY you are trying to manipulate the situation.  Why do you need to have this person at ALL cost?  Why do you want to disregard and disrespect their ability to choose?  Why is your need  more important than what they want for themselves?  What gives you the right to override their wants dreams and goals?

If you are only out to get what you want- and are not willing to work together in a relationship, then you are too selfish to be in a relationship. You are not out for real love- but only out for your own needs. You don't have respect for your partner, and if that is the case- the relationship is doomed from the beginning.

Just a few things to consider.

Some rules I put together in regards to Love;

1)     Start with a friendship- this person is a type of best friend. Someone you can trust and share special moments with. Nurture it, and grow it, and it will grow through discovery and experience to new levels.

2)     Treat each other with respect. You are an individual and they are an individual. Each person brings something unique to the table in experience, expression, qualities and joy (just to name a few aspects) Whatever happens, learn from them, grow with them- and be the best person you can be. This is an opportunity to discover who you are on a different level- and what qualities they bring out in you.

3)     Be open and communicative. Your happiness and the other persons’ depends on the communication between you two. Share and discuss what you each want and decide and share plans on how to achieve that.  Create and  explore the  relationship together in all aspects of discovery it involves.  Everyone involved should be there to take part and because they want to be. Period.

4)     Be Honest. You let go of anxiety, and you know where you stand. Because  I would rather deal with Truth than delusion. Deal with direct straight forward communication. Until I get to know someone better and their way of communicating, I can't afford to 'read between the lines' until then.  Anyway, living a lie takes more energy and leaves you exhausted.  Love is meant to be enjoyed and bliss full,..not stressful.

5)      It is not about you only. A relationship is about two people. Each person has to be taken into account and respected- as they are.

6)     Never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, try to change someone. Change is something a person chooses to do themselves. You try to change someone you have control issues. You are not appreciating them for who they are. I can bet your reasons for wanting the relationship are all wrong. This rule breaks rules 1,2,3,4&5- and 7.

7)     Allow space for personal expression. Each person including yourself needs to be able to express who they are, and be happy with themselves. Any attempt to suppress or control or change something about them with lead to stress, resentment, anger, tension, frustration, and all the things you don’t want in a relationship.

8)     Learn as much as you can about your partner. It is part of Loving them and growing deeper and deeper in intimacy and love with them. Anyone who stops learning and appreciating their partner becomes stagnant and comfortable, and the relationship starts to lose its magic, love and spark. The magic is in the constant discovery of the person you love, and as you grow together and redefine yourselves, the discovery never stops.

9)     There will be challenges and difficulties with each other.Any difficulties you discuss between each other first and foremost. Not with to your friends and family. If you one person as a confidant, then only share with them after attempting a discussion with your partner - and hopefully it is someone who can be objective and cover the truth from both sides. A confidant should only be a last resort.

10) Support and back each other up. You are a team. Have each other’s backs. You should always stand united, because united you are stronger .Whatever one goes through, the other experiences and helps the them through it.

11) Everyone makes mistakes, and no one is perfect- including yourself.  Have compassion and be forgiving, as you would want to be considered if you were in the other’s shoes. Once you forgive- let it go and don’t keep throwing it in their face in future arguments. MOST OF ALL make the effort to learn from your mistake and do better for the next time.

12)Be generous with your love, and affection. Let your partner know how important they are to you. Usually the smallest details say the most, because it was in the little details or actions that showed that you thought of them during the course of the day.

13) Have the partnership stand for something bigger than yourselves.  Have a purpose beyond the two of you, that the relationship grows toward accomplishing together as a goal and with satisfaction.

14)  Be trustworthy and create a safe space where each of you can be vulnerable without repercussions. Everyone needs to let go of the reigns from time to time and be vulnerable. Allow them to do that, just as you would want them to do for you. Never betray that trust.

15) Respecting and and recognizing and individual's uniqueness in expression and choice. When give the other the space to be and express themselves in the unfolding of who they are, you give up any attachment when you realize that if you were to try to control, influence or suppress that natural self discovery of anyone- then you are hindering the natural unfolding or expression and self discovery of a person.
Having been chosen to be a part of their self discovery and expression is a huge gift. They have already chosen you to be an influence in their life- just by being and expressing your OWN self.
 When it is time to move on, to a new level of self expression, you are able to release them knowing that the unique expression of who they are becoming - will be hindered if you don't let them move on. And the same applies to your growth and self expression.
 To hinder someone from their self discovery would be the equivalent of wearing the same shoes you wore as an 8 year old,.. and ending up with deformed feet from the restriction and constraints of an out definition your feet have outgrown.
 Give everyone the space to make the choices that suit them, and you will have helped them in their growth. You are invested  in a way that add and enrich each other. The respect and recognition of the uniqueness of an individual can take you to a level where you each enrich the others life of what your relationship and interactions create, and you allow another person to fully be themselves.

This is my opinion, based on observations of the real world.

There is so much more  to cover on the topic of love,.. I will update and I go along.

Here is to a new level of LOVE in 2013.

~Q