Thursday, 2 January 2014

That Which was My heart

Written By Ilona Toth

In brighter days filled with joy,
and careless reverie,
I possessed a pump divine
full of loving and giving.

As years went on, the search to share
the love and joy combined,
encountered false and bitter hearts,
No love yet, to call mine.

Each encounter left a mark,
a scar and bitter taste,
opening to risk again
only to retreat in painful haste.

To find that mutual feeling,
yet again- does not exist
the Confidence and belief
took the brunt of the hit.

The years spent unnourished;
Uncherished; and alone,
The desire to be held and loved;
A dream now Long gone.

The dry and biting winds of time,
and the endless lonely tears,
the result: severe erosion,
and a demise so very near.

So now the days are marking,
the crumbling and decay,
and soon the winds of time
will scatter to oblivion

the dust that was my heart.

Friday, 28 June 2013

Poem: To Be Discovered By Ilona Toth


To Be Discovered

The Possibility does not scare me
rather the false hope of self- made illusions...
terrifies me.
I've learned to take the moments as they come and flow
without expectations or pre-definitions

It is something yet to be discovered
so what develops and evolves is sincere
without manipulation, and purely real
A special connection that defines itself
with each unique minute.

Unboxed, and free of preconceived ideas
and free in each moment to evolve
beyond one's perceived ultimate happiness
Each individual's truth at each defining moment
helps to map  this unknown territory
of these minds, hearts, souls
and sincere instants of connection, ,
happen to lead them exploring endless possibilities
waiting to be discovered.


~Ilona Toth  August 2007

Poem: 'That Which Was My Heart' by Ilona Toth


   That which was my Heart

   in brighter days filled with joy
   and careless reverie;
   I possessed a pump divine 
   full of love and giving;

   as years went on the search to share
   the joy and love combined
   encountered false and bitter hearts
   no love yet, to call mine

   each encounter left a mark,
   a scar and bitter taste
   opening to risk  again.
   only to retreat in painful haste.

   to find that mutual feeling
   yet again,.. does not exist.
   the confidence and belief;
   took the full brunt of the hit.

   the years spent un'nourished;
   uncherished, and alone;
   the desire to be held and loved;
   a dream , now long gone;

    The dry and biting winds of time
   and the endless lonely tears;
   they result; severe erosion;
   and a demise very near.

   so now the days are marking
   the crumbling and decay,
   and soon the winds of time
   will scatter to oblivion

   the dust that was my heart.

   ~Q
   Ilona Toth          Nov 2012

Thursday, 17 January 2013

A "Battle Of Wills"- a true story

Kids can (and will) test the limits of any parent, and this story is about an experience from my child hood.
For those that find themselves tested by the resourcefulness or your children, remember what my mom used to tell herself.
" I know these kids inside and out, and have a lifetime of experience. There is NO WAY that these kids can outsmart me!"
She knew us so well she could predict our actions or reactions. One of the most priceless phrases she has in regards to us is the phrase; " Honey, don't try and tell me differently, I KNOW my merchandise."  LOL
This is an account of one of those incidents, where parent and child found themselves in the battle of Wills.
Hope You Enjoy it. (it still makes me laugh)

One Woman's Experience can help other parents have hope- and let them know you CAN outwit your kids- and show them who rules the roost. It just takes some imagination, and creativity. Enjoy.

~ Ilona

** **


Battle Of Wills

by Ilona.Toth


As a child, we lived on an acreage in rural Ontario. Both Parents worked and often we would get home from school a good half hour before my mother would. My brother, sister and I would scramble to watch television after school.
My mother disapproved, preferring that we do our homework. For the longest time, we disobeyed, until my mom had had enough. Frustrated with our stubbornness, she refused to be disobeyed, "They will not outwit me." And thus the "battle of wills" began.

One day we were shocked to find the television missing. When mom arrived, she smugly stated, "What? The tv is missing? What ever will we do?" Three quite distraught kids were convinced this was the meanest mother in the world.

Only once the homework was done, were we allowed access. During the day, It was locked up behind the doors of a cabinet in a wall unit.! This was to be the new routine. We were heartbroken.

For a two weeks we were forced to conform, until a friend at school unknowingly gave us a ray of hope. She had told us of her friend's similar predicament. He and his brothers were voracious eaters. Their mother had to put a lock on the pantry door to prevent them from raiding and emptying it of its contents. The boys' resourceful minds came up with the idea of unscrewing the hinges of one side of the Pantry door so that the full length or both doors would swing open as one, and reveal all its forbidden goodies.
At hearing this, My siblings and I looked at each other as sinister smiles invaded our faces. Our minds were on the same wavelength as we knew that we had an answer to our own problem.

From the Bus to the tool box, and were soon enjoying our favourite show. The dog unknowingly served as a lookout, and would get excited as my mom pulled up the driveway. In a snap, the doors were secured, the screwdriver was put away. Suspicious of three happy children, she went to check the tv cabinet. Still locked.
The three of us were ecstatic that we had won the "battle of wills". We were smarter! We were invincible. Our smug and arrogant attitudes were short lived, as my mother proved to us again- she is smarter than us.

Our victory soon turned sour the day my mother came home and the dog failed to warn us. When she walked in to see what we had done, we probably would have seen her jaw drop to the floor, had we not been so absorbed by the television program. Initial Fear quickly turned to good humoured cockiness as we pointed out that we had beat her at her own game. She just smiled. The next two days there was no lock on the cabinet.

The third day, we turned the tv on and nothing happened. Seeing it was unplugged we went to plug it in. We were unsuccessful. We would not be able to plug it in to the outlet. My dear mother had won the "battle of wills" in the most heartbreaking defeat ever.

You see, all prongs on every plug have little holes in them for some reason, and there, through one of the holes was attached the smallest little pad-lock we had ever seen.

Game over.

Monday, 14 January 2013

Tequilas From Heaven


Tequilas From Heaven- a True story
This is an event in my life that taught me an important lesson on faith, and showed me a side of God that contradicted some; or most of the church had ever taught me. Although I no longer practice a specific religion ( I still respect different religions), but I am growing My faith- by dealing direct with God.

A few years ago, my Mom wanted to go back home to visit Family in Mexico. She asked me to come along as a companion and  I was glad to go – travel is a passion of mine.  So we made the arrangements and set the intention for the trip as one of service,  and doing God’s Will; and to simply Trust the flow of things without a specific agenda. This was a trip we wanted to enjoy, and we wanted to steer clear of tensions and drama with certain family members..

So , with joy in our hearts we set of on the trip. It was a fun, graceful and miraculous trip.  Events unfolded easily, pieces of the puzzle started to fit in to the right places, and our desires and thoughts to have a book present and translated to English became reality when , not two minutes after discussing whether the book ( I Believe it was the Secret), would have been translated to Spanish,  it came rolling down the store aisle, fresh off the presses.   This was Divine intervention, putting us in the right time and right place to bring it to the people that needed it.
Both my mom and I also took part in many discussions, and shared our more liberal views to the strict Roman Catholic crowd.  The words came easy and each message was delivered as it should be, as a seed to germinate- or as a direct opening to a new possibility never before considered.  It was weird. Even being confronted with impassioned and righteous views; I stayed calm and brought my opinion to the table that seemed to stun one aunt who refused to give up her stance. Nothing seemed to shake me. Even now remembering the circumstances,… I feel a sense of peace.

Now as the trip neared the end, my mom decided to buy 4 bottles of tequila from the local liquor store that had a very good sale price. I reminded her she could always get them at the duty free shop and not have to carry them around. She preferred to be thrifty.  I shrugged it off.

The day we were to leave- I noticed she put all four bottles in her carry on shoulder bag. I reminded her that after 9/11 there was no way that she would be able to take it in her carry on, AND that the four bottles would hurt her shoulder. She is a tiny woman with a slight frame. She just brushed the comment aside with her and said- “ Don’t Worry about it, God is with me”.   I shrugged it off, thinking she would come to her senses, and pack it in the check in luggage later.

We get to the airport, and I realize she has not used common sense. I remind her that the airport security will not allow 4 bottles of liquor in the carry on.  “ Ilona, Have faith.  God is with us.”
I looked at her in disbelief and thought, “ how can she still be so innocent?” and continued to urge her to  change her mind.

We headed to the baggage check and I reminded her ; “ This is your last chance to put it in the checked baggage.  Mom, don’t be surprised if the confiscate it.  Please  Mom, just put it in the luggage.”
To which she replied; “ I know God is with us, everything will be ok. Have some faith.”  She looked at me with conviction.  I threw up my hands,  wondering how she could be so naïve .
We  discussed  one more time- actually more like I warned her about what was probably going to happen, and what she should prepare for.  She just repeated that God is with us and there is nothing to worry about.
We arrived at the last security check, with x-rays ,  metal detector and the wand search, I watched as my mom confidently put her bags and her shoes up on the  conveyor belt for the x-ray machine to expose all truths.  She receded through the metal detector as cool as a fucking cucumber- no doubt or worries what so ever.
As, I began to remove my shoes and place my carry-on bag and purse on the conveyor to take their turn; I turned my attention to the offensive shoulder bag, beginning to make its way through to the x-ray zone. It was visible to me the whole time from where I stood.

I watched it progress and glanced at the young man attending and searching the screen for anything offensive. I glanced at the bag getting closer to the zone,… back at the attendant; the bag as it entered the field of x-ray;  glanced at the attendant, and instantly became stunned – my jaw dropping to the floor, as I witnessed him suddenly experience droopy tired eyes and nod off!!!

NO WORD OF A LIE!  I glanced at the bag;  back at him; the bag now leaving the zone; at him; the bag just exiting; and him just waking up and shaking off the drowsiness.
I was speechless. My jaw still on the floor ( probably very much open), I stepped through the metal detector in a stunned daze, looking at my mom, picking up her shoulder bag and joking with one of the security guards.  In stunned disbelief I put my shoes on and picked up my carry on, and we continued on, toward our gate.
I could not speak until about two minutes later, I asked my mom what the fuck had happened.  She calmly said ;
“I know I was not doing anything inherently  wrong, so God I knew God was going to be with me . I always ask myself- am I hurting anyone? If not, I know, believe- and feel that I had nothing to worry about.”
I began to laugh, to release the nervous tension I had built up. I shared with her what had happened- which she did not see, and she just smiled sweetly. “Told you, to have faith. I am glad he showed you this lesson”.
It was not until about 10 minutes into our leisurely stroll to the gate- that I realized I did not have my purse with my passport and ticket. Panic set in. In my stunned state, I had left it at the security check point!  I ran like a mad woman back to the checkpoint , afraid that Mexico would live up to its fame of “anything left behind is gone forever”.  As I arrived  out of breath to the check point, there holding my purse for me, was the sleepy security agent.  I thanked him profusely with the little panicked breath I had, and continued back toward my mom- who barely understood where I had gone in such a panicked fashion.   Needless to say, The fact my purse was intact- and all valuable still inside was a small miracle.
The story does not end there.
After calming her down and myself down, we continued discussing the amazing nature of God and faith, and soon we were boarded and seated in our seats.
Reflecting on the whole trip, I turned to my mom and said;
“This trip has been amazing, everything that needed to happen- happened, including those little miracles, the discussions, and this last lesson for me in faith. God really is with us isn’t he?”
Before my mom could answer; the  Pilot came over the intercom and gave his intro;
“Buenos Dias, soy Miguel DeDios, su Piloto en este viaje,  vamos a salir pronto, y llegaremos a Toronto a …etc, etc.”
( translated from Spanish);  “ Good Afternoon, This is your pilot Michael of God, we will be departing shortly,  and arriving in Toronto at about  ..etc etc.”
I turned to my mom ; “Michael  OfGod?  We really are in God’s hands!!! “    We started giggling like a couple of school girls, I know I felt giddy in the realization and knowledge that He was closer than I had ever imagined- loved me enough to take the time to show me . In that moment I saw the infinite love that is God- with a wicked loving sense of humour.

 No one can tell me that God is a vindictive angry God. I became more aware of the little miracles and the joy and humour in everyday life.  I learned that I should not be so cynical, and when I come across with someone who exudes the confidence of true faith, I know I am close to God.
I have also learned to beware of anyone that tries to put God in a limiting Box, or tries to define Him. We will really only see glimpses of him throughout lifetime- if you are aware of it you will see more Get to Know God directly, don’t allow a middle man to tell you about him. If you do, you risk experiencing some form of distortion of the truth.  .  I know it is a relationship worth pursuing one on one.

I hope this has brought a new view of the awesomeness that is God, and helped see him in a new light. I hope everyone can learn to get to know Him on that personal level and stop letting others define to you  who they think he is. Get to know him personally. Trust me It is worth it.

~ Ilona

Sunday, 6 January 2013

Poem : To Be Discovered


Wow,.. reducing and purging old stuff, and found another 'poem' I had written.

To Be Discovered

The Possibility does not scare me
rather the false hope of self- made illusions...
terrifies me.
I've learned to take the moments as they come and flow
without expectations or predefinitions

It is something yet to be discovered
so what develops and evolves is sincere
without manipulation, and purely real
A special connection that defines itself
with each unique minute.
Unboxed, and free of preconceived ideas
and free in each moment to evolve
beyond one's perceived ultimate happiness
Each individual's truth at each defining moment
helps to map  this unknown territory
of these minds, hearts, souls
and sincere instants of connection, ,
happen to lead them exploring endless possibilities
waiting to be discovered.


~Ilona Toth  August 2007

Poem: Lie-Ability Lost


Lie-Ability Lost
By Ilona Toth


Early this Morning as the dawn broke,
With new realization I awoke,
Last night's decision has effectively broke,
The Cycle of lies- and brought some hope.

I made an effort to open  my eyes,
and clearly see that blanket of lies
was holding me back and keeping me tied,
to a destructive path in which I could Die.

My Spirit had suffered and shed many tears,
That false sense of security over so many years,
my mind would not accept truth by mirror,
Until last night did it all become clear.

Old pattern thoughts dissolve and cease to be,
Last Night's decision has helped me see,
I must give myself permission, and then set me free,
for ALL that I AM and NEED is inside of me,

I would blame myself with each failed try,
and run back to you with tear in my eyes,
Your comforting silence, I NOW realize,
 nothing more than companionship built on lies.

With each unsure step I move forward,
Each courageous step, defies the inner coward,
This fearful side of me will no longer hold power,
I must weed my heart's Garden, so my SOUL will flower;

I own my past, and then let it go,
Understand and release, these thoughts of old,
Let the truth sink in and then take hold
Face all the demons, while I stand Bold.

As I veer away from this self made Wrath,
I make the conscious choice to change my path.
I don't want to be angry, so I choose to laugh
And experience Love's overflow in Life's carafe.

I CHOOSE to Grow, become aware of my worth,
I don't want anger, rather choose  Peace and Mirth,
Been lost so long, reconnecting to mother earth
I make these changes, for I choose Rebirth.



By Ilona Toth                 |November 2009|