do i hold out hope?
Love has been elusive,.. or one sided.
when I love someone , i give my heart, and connect and learn all I can about them . This is a heavy investment. Unfortunately it has yielded no results.
Do I bother to put my heart on the line again... there is a terrified part of myself that fears My heart will not recover another disappointment in love.
I know being vulnerable and putting yourself out there is a huge part of life, and without risk you will never get results.
I would like results,.. I would like love, and companionship, and intimacy, connection. But it has to be mutual.
My experience has been one sided- and putting myself out there i was working too much for it. Sometimes I created an illusion with the smallest details as proof of mutual love. Dissappointment always followed.
So I have learned to be detached and laugh at my imagination and its stories. I do not allow myself to believe that something exists until a direct and unmistakable expression of love or affection is displayed or communicated.
That is something that confuses me. There has been no communication of sentiment toward me. I don't think anyone has ever fallen for me,.. and it stuns me. Words elude me.
I know I am very loving, without being smothering,.. I know I have a lot to offer,.. I know I am not that much different from the average woman,.. yet I have seen psychos in a relationship,.. ( although I do realise they are most likely co-dependent or some unhealthy aspect to those relationships)
Admittedly I used to dwell on that, feel sorry for myself and suffer the lack of love,... and even though i still would like a relationship,.. it is no longer a priority,,, I have stopped actively looking for it - ( although there is that part of myself that is on automatic pilot- in looking for 'potentials' until I laugh it off and consciously stop the practice). I am not sure if I have given up on finding love- or just put it on the farthest back burner available.
My situation- it is what it is. Yet, I can not help asking " why not me?" What is it about me that does not permit this desire to be fulfilled?" Why are there None that feel that way toward me??
I find myself reminding myself daily - "men dont look at you, they look at others". "You are not what they want". As harsh as it sounds, it helps keep my active imagination in check, and to let go of false hopes, and keeps me from from getting too attached, and involving my heart.
I must keep reminding myself, not to get my hopes up - because I have been considered the friend or big sister,.. and nothing more.
My heart has become accustomed to beating alone- and usually at its own beat,.., and in all honesty i really don't know IF after a lifetime of alone-ness- if I could even survive or connect to a partnership.
I would not know how to do that, and I don't know if I would have the patience.
yet as I re-read these words, a part of me buried so deep cries out: 'don't give up!'.
does it mean Ii have given up? Or have I just severely de-prioritized it?
to be honest , I just don't know..
There is one person I think of constantly, and who he is amazes me every day- I want to learn more- everything about him. IF Being open about how I feel would risk the connection I have now, I don't think I could bear to lose the one Person that challenges me to think and go beyond the comfort zones, and in doing so brings the real me to the surface. That is it. He inspires me to be the real me- and not what everyone else wants me to be. Maybe it is selfish- but that is not a connection I can lose. I am Grateful for having him in my life.
so, do i risk all, and reveal my feelings? The fear I feel is incredibly strong, as it embodies so many years of disappointment in Love. This fear is something I must face. I have to go with the flow- and the discussion of the moment.
i guess time will tell, ... or not.
~Questa
