I want to talk about something that really confuses me.
How do you choose to interpret a situation or conversation? Have you ever thought about the way you think a situation is unfolding. Have you ever found out after the fact, that what you perceived or interpreted was totally off base?
It depends on the focus in your life that determines how you interpriet what happens- and how you interact with other people. Sometimes what you understand is completely different from what another person sees or understands. This is when being clear becomes imortant, and making sure you are on the same page - is crucial to acheiving the goals and objectives you want to acheive. This is absolutley necessary when it comes to teamwork.
The situations that confuse me seem to stem from situations in which I ask questions because I want to clarify or understand a situation and be clear.
The reason I do this is because I have come to realize in life, that people may hear or see the same thing- but what is interpreted by each individual is so different from one persoanl to the other. Also, I know from my past behaviour; that I at times have a tendency to overreact or have my overactive imagination create elaborate stories in my mind.
I learned that when you let your imagination or mind to dictate freely the story it chooses to create- you can usually get so side tracked from the real reason or situation, that you loose so miuch time and energy in the story, and usually suffer alot of heartache when things finally get cleared up. That is why I learned to ask questions.
Now, don't get me wrong, imagination can be a good thing when directed through proper channels. However, it is important to be in control of the imagination- NOT let your imagination run wild and take on a life of its own.
Also, I should mention that the imagination and stories My mind created had caused a lot of friction and heartache- so be aware of this and the possibility that you may also be doing the same thing.
Well, as I was saying, what confuses me, is that when you ask questions to clarify, people get upset with you for several reasons. First- some people think that you are questioning them and what they just told you- for some reason it does not occur to them that you are trying to clarify for the sake of communication.
Second, one who gets upset when you ask questions- and jump the gun in interpreting something negative into the situation, is usually a sign of someone who is insecure. When you question them they feel attacked.
Third, lack of communication and clarity, creates many , many frustration, misunderstandings, and tension.
Here is a secret; We have to remember that people DO NOT have access to our thoughts and what we are thinking. It also helps to remember that you don't know what is going on in the minds of other people.
So doesn't it make sense to communicate and clarify any situation to make sure that everyone is on the same page in ANY given situation?
This is especially important in relationships, wouldn't you agree? Then why do people get upset when someone wants to clarify and better understand a situation?
1) Perhaps they see it a a challenge to their statements or beliefs. they jump to the conclusion that your questions are an attack on them and their beleifs or who they are. This brings out their insecurities and they lash out or get ultra defensive. When you touch on their insecurites you are going into an area that they want to keep hidden obout themselves- which touches on the next aspect- hitting close to a sensitive topic.
2) Being Right. Asking questions creates a situation where you did to get to the truth when you wnat to have clarity and understanding. Unfortunately, it also brings the truth of a person to the surface and people that have a specific drama or story playing in their minds want and NEED their illusion to continue- and have their perception to be true- because it give them (in their mind's eye) the right to be right and not have to look at how they are responsible for the situation they find themselves in.
3) Image Illusion; some people try so hard to create and maintain a certain image of themselves for the whole world to see- and hide the real insecure self behind attitudes; arrogance; aggressiveness and deflections. They defend at all costs the illusion of who they want people to think they are- that they really don't know who they are. this ties into the next point.
4) Denial/ self -estrangement. People that we come accross are a reflection to us of all the things that we need to work on in ourselves. Most people want to be considered perfect and spend all their time and energy to create and maintain an illusion of perfection. Unfortunately, PEOPLE SPEND SO MUCH TIME AND ENERGY on the image- they don't know who they are at the core- and they don't spend the time to develop themselves and actually become the person w ith the qualities and values they try so hard to make everyone believe they already have. When you begin to know who you are, an inner peace begins to enter your life, as you know yourself , no one can cause you to feel insecurity- and you would be able to discern every situation with truth and fairness. Any accusation would be measured and weighed accordingly, and taken seriously or discarded as decided upon.
5) Being Honest with yourself. This is one of the toughest qualities to find in a person. Being honest with yourself actually requires you to question yourself, and consider yourself from many different perspectives- especially from outside yuoru mind and the "story" or "perception" that colors and flavors your understanding and beliefs in a certain positive light. You have to be able to SEE, Look at , and be Honest about yoru imperfections, and areas of character that you need to look at and recreate or adjust. Being able to do this requires bypassing your defensive mechanism, and really seeing yourself as another person would. One thing I have learned, is that the best gauge of this test is to look at the people in yoru life that really piss you off. WHY? because they ARE a REFLECTION of you on some level. When someone has characteristics or traits you don't like- it is because on some level you are reminded that this same character is within you- so you push these people away or repel them.
I am aware that some of these points may be slightly reiterating the other points, and it is still important to see how they do touch on other aspects within the similarities as well.
So, I find myself in a situation where I really want to understand someone's choice to take part in something along side me- when their actions and behaviour in the past has seemed to express anger and frustration with my questions, or when I chose not to clarify- we were on different tracks of thought all together. So, It is kind of like a situation where I feel I am damned if I do and Damed is I don't.
In writing this, I have realized that I can't allow their anger to dictate how I should behave or act- just because they cant handle it or the truth that comes up with my questions. I know I am not doing anything wrong- especially when I am trying to understand the reason they chose to do something that is going to affect me.
I have decided My best course of action is to ask the questions, clarify and ignore their anger . The anger is the result of their choice of interpretation to everything in their lives, and I can not let that anger be used as a tool or manipulative way in which to keep me from being me. It is not my jobe to keep that person happy, and keep them from getting angry- It is my job to ensure that whatever I do in life- that I do it consciousy, with understanding and good intentions.
I already live by the Creed- "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" , and I know that everything I do I already take others into account. I have to be true to me First. If I only live for others first, I lent myself to being in a position of being manipulated by others based on thneir whim. I can not let the emotions of others dictate my life.
Anyway- my point is, that whenever you are interacting with people, take a moment to consider that they may not ust understand what you said- or are simply choosing to interpret it in a different and unusual way- not necessarily wrong, It just means it comes from a diferent perspective than you are used to.
Yes, sometimes a person can have such a wild interpretation of the situation- that it causes more problems than ever imagined. what I recommend is that instead of reacting to the behaviour or misunderstanding, call them on it and ask them why they choose to interpret the situation in that particular light.\
Also- take a moment to consider if you have been known to choose a point of view and not even consider another person's perspective. Are you someone who likes things black or white with no shades of grey what-so-ever?
How many times do you find yourself in a tense situation because you or someone are not seeing eye to eye- and no one is willing to budge on the topic.
Be honest with yourself. If you are one of these people - own up to it. it may feel unconfortable- but it wont kill yuou- it will probably bring a new way of thinking to you mind- and pull you into a new level of wisdom.
For some - they will not be willing to consider it- and they are more concerned with being right than being wrong or outed in their misinterpretation. sometimes You just walk away intead of trying to talk to them and get an understanding to come to the surface.
Personally I think that it is important to alway try to be clear or be sure that there is a mutual understanding or clarity. I have often had conversations with people in which i repeated myself over and over because they were not willing to even consider a different perspective.
If youa re able to look at things from different angles, or perspectives, you can usually find unique and beneficial solutions to different problems or challenges. This will turn into a great characteristic and tools for life.
be open to other points of view, learn to see things from different angles, be honest and do things with good intentions. When you begin to know someone and consider how they understand things- you also learn how to talk to someone and better communicate with them. when you better communicate- you can learn to avoid the language that gets people defensive in conversations. If you can avoid someone getting their guard up, you will be more success full in communicating the ideas you wnat to share.
Writing these thoughts down has helped me gain some perspective- thanks for riding along.
~Questa
